Moving on: When your crush has a crush on Jesus

Jesus crush

We’ve all been there, that awkward moment when in trying to get to know someone you find out they have a crush on Jesus. They love him with all their heart, they say. They think about him constantly. They idolize his very being. They get down on their knees just to chat him up. They talk about him incessantly. They sing to him on Sunday, etc.

As difficult as it might be, if you find out your crush has a crush on Jesus you need to move on. It’s highly  likely — in fact it’s a sure thing — that your crush believes some pretty ridiculous things. You’re setting yourself up for failure in finding a mate if you’re willing to sacrifice sanity for some of the other qualities you might find in this person. You can do better.

To help you get over your crush, we’ve compiled a brief list of some of the absurd things they must believe in order to have a crush on Jesus. Hopefully, with this list close at hand, you’ll be able to take off the crush-goggles and see your crush for what they really are — a crazy person. Take a look:

When your crush has a crush on Jesus…

  • They’re crushing on a dead man who lived 2000 years ago (if he even lived at all) and who purportedly was born of a (married) virgin, walked on water, magically made water into wine, and came back from the dead three days after being executed, among other things.
  • Your crush believes that their crush was required by his father to die (temporarily) in order to forgive us for a sin committed by a woman 6000 years ago (the first woman, no less — sorry Darwin). What was this great sin, you might ask? She broke a nonsensical rule and ate a forbidden fruit because a talking snake sent by your crush’s father (specifically for the purpose of tempting her) persuaded her to do it.
  • Your crush believes that because this woman couldn’t resist the temptation of the talking snake, we’re all born of sin (because her two sons went on to propagate the rest of our species, hence genetically transferring the sin?) which is punishable by death. But hey, your sins can be forgiven if you too would only have a crush on Jesus. If not, sorry, you’ll be tortured for all of eternity in a lake of fire, regardless of what a good, moral person you are.
  • Your crush believes that a book written thousands of years ago by bronze-age men has every sort of moral relevance today, despite the fact that, for example, it condones slavery, its commandments don’t mention rape, and was clearly written by bronze-age men. They believe their Jesus crush made a few corrections and additions, but that they’re still free to evoke the old otherwise obsolete rules whenever they feel it would be to their benefit (so much for an unshakable moral code).
  • Your crush believes the father of their crush (who apparently created everything, has a grand plan, and is all-loving) to be a very angry man indeed. For example, your crush believes that several thousands of years ago this sky daddy was so angry towards his creation that he flooded the earth in a mass genocide, surely banishing everyone to hell, but saved one family of humans and every species of animal by shoving a pair of each of them onto a makeshift wooden boat. (They believe this despite the overwhelming and overlapping evidence we find in the fossil and geological records to the contrary.)
  • Your crush is still a child. They haven’t gotten over the “make-believe” stage of their lives, holding on to their childhood fantasies. While the rest of us were doing away with Santa Clause, the Easter Bunny, and the Tooth Fairy, your crush missed one.
  • To top it all off, your crush has probably eaten crackers and drank wine in church on Sunday to symbolize the consumption of their crush’s flesh and blood. (The rest of us call that cannibalism.)

So there you have it, just some of the reasons to get over your crush if you find out they have a crush on Jesus; just the tip of the iceberg, really.

In all fairness, if we’re to be completely honest with ourselves, there may be one benefit to your crush having a crush on Jesus as is summed up nicely by this meme:

jesus threesome 2

But otherwise, you’re swooning after a crazy person. Move on, and do so quickly. Godspeed!

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